When Life is at It's Lowest
by blackshoelaces
Summary: I'm Esperanza. Sure, my past sucks, but that's just it. It's in the past. Now, I've managed to reach sixteen. The year everything seems to change. - "Let me start with saying one thing: Albus Potter is a prick." - Next gen - OC/AP - WARNING contains rape


**Hey everyone! New story! Woot!**

**Anywhoo, sorry for anyone who read this BEFORE I put up all this good ol' author comment stuffs. I exist, really, I do!**

**Yea. Sorry, that was weird.**

**I don't own Harry Potter. It pains me, it truly does. I do own this plot, Esperanza, and the characters that aren't mentioned in the DH epilogue...**

**Enjoy the newness, my lovelies!**

It happened again. Not outside of Hogwarts, the one place where I was free of it all. No. It happened inside. A teacher. A fucking teacher. I'm sixteen now, that was five years ago, the end of my first year. People really are evil. Not just some people, everyone. That's what I've learned throughout this whole experience, anyone can turn evil, everyone has evil inside of them. Maybe some more then others, but still, everyone has it.

You know what's funny? That word, the word that's circled my mind for years, and will always circle my mind until the day I die, it's so simple. Seriously, it's only got four letters. And two of them are vowels. Sounds harmless, doesn't it? Lots of four letter words have two vowels. Aqua is a good example. Love is another one. Love. The complete opposite of what I'm talking about. Nah, my word of life happens to be rape.

Yup, you heard me right. Rape.

See? Four letters. Two vowels.

Okay, this is one of those times where I need to start at the beginning. Alright then. Here goes.

My ninth birthday was supposed to be the best day of my life. That day was October 13th. Yea, I know, the date should've been a real tip off. October, the 'scary' month, and the 13th, supposedly the 'unlucky' day. Personally, I think all that is total bullshit. I love the number 13. It's my favorite number actually. But, I'm an optimist. A pretty good achievement for someone with my life, but yes, its true. A glass is always half full.

October 13th was the day I was going to be adopted. I'd lived in the shitty hellhole of an orphanage since I was born, and as much as I was 'optimistic' about the place, I was totally thrilled to be leaving. I had been fantasizing about it for weeks before hand. I wondered what my new parents would be like. Did they got and get the newspaper on Sundays? Maybe read amusing articles to each other and have family jokes? Did they ever go out to dinner? Where? A fancy place or a family place? Would they chat merrily with the waiter? Would they stop to get cake at their favorite bakery afterwards, and sit in front of the TV to eat it?

Oh, how I wondered, wished for them to be the best parents a girl could have. I couldn't believe they had picked me in the first place. I'm nothing special. My skin is paler then what you would imagine a vampire's to be, it's a vividly stark white. My body is miniscule, though a nine year old's usually is. Even now though, at sixteen, I'm tiny. Average height, sure, around 5''6', but I'm anorexic thin. Probably unhealthy, but it's just the way it is. My hair is a mousy brown color, very long, reaching to my waist. It hasn't changed since I was nine either, still the same dullish color, same length. I suppose my eyes are my best feature, but that's just because I have to pick one. They always seem to be wide, like I've been frightened by something. They're a vivid green, a dark emerald shade. Sometimes they look black, if there isn't enough light.

The man who picked me up from the orphanage was the first sign that something was fishy. My new 'father' looked somewhat disheveled, his slightly graying hair askew and his clothes rumpled, like he had just dragged himself out of bed. I was to scared of him to say anything the whole way back to his house. The house itself was even more menacing. It was dark, looking very droopy from age. After I was inside, he locked the door and gave me the three rules that defined the next three years of my life.

Don't speak unless spoken to or commanded to.

Don't question _anything_.

Participate.

The last rule was the most important to him, though at nine years old and very innocent, I had no idea what he meant at the time. How that changed. He didn't touch me for the next six months. All he did was teach me. He taught me everything there was to know about sex. What to do, what not to do, what to only sometimes do, how to do it, where to do it, when to do it, everything you can think of. I lost my virginity at nine and a half.

I won't scar you with gruesome details, it happened, and that was that. After I could apply knowledge with actions, he stopped with the schooling, and I was on my own. It was always rape, I never wanted any of it, obviously. He would always sneak up on me when I least expected it too, and if I broke any of the three rules, it would be worse.

I died that year. No, not how you're thinking. By the time I was ten, I turned into a robot. I felt nothing, I was nothing. I was empty, void of emotion or thought. Everything was white noise to me. When I turned eleven, it was the first time life had a glimpse of hope or meaning again. I got the letter. The letter that turned into the light at the end of the tunnel. Or so they say. I learned that I was a witch. I had been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I so wanted to go. My 'father' ranted and raved about it for weeks on end, everything got so much worse. I prayed that he would come to some sort of conclusion that would allow me to go. The day before I was supposed to reply that I was going, he finally made up his mind. I nearly fainted when he told me. Having worked the situation through, he had finally concluded that I had to go, or they would expect something was going on and come after him. I was to act completely normal, tell no one what happened to me. I agreed instantly, grasping at the idea that I was going to leave the house for the first time in three years.

"I'm picking you up here at eleven o' clock at night. Be here, and don't forget anything, I won't take you out of the house again," he snarled at me, nine o' clock, monday morning. I was at the entrance to Diagon Alley, the whole day stretching ahead of me, free of everything that was him. He would've picked me up sooner, but he was having a day with his pigs of friends, probably to get drunk and pick up those unlucky woman who would fall for their charming act. At that moment though, I didn't care what he was going to do. Just that I had a whole day, free.

I hurried into a pub titled The Leaky Cauldron, where an aging man named Tom kindly showed me how to get past the barrier into Diagon Alley. It was everything I expected and so much more. I wanted to see everything, and I spent the next half hour just wandering up and down the streets, taking in every shop window, every apparently normal magical thing that happened.

"You look seriously lost," an amused voice said as a sudden hand lightly touched my shoulder. I looked around to see a boy, he looked to be my age, grinning broadly.

"Uh, sorta," I admitted, shrugging.

"Where are your parents?" he asked innocently.

"Not here," I said, mentally hitting myself for being so lame with an excuse. The boy didn't seem bothered though. Instead, he grinned even more broadly.

"You wanna shop with me and my parents then? We can show you around, I'm a first year too," he seemed thrilled with the idea, and I managed a smile. A real, genuine smile. I hadn't had one in awhile.

"Sure. Thanks," I breathed gratefully.

"No problem! I'm Scorpius Malfoy by the way," he added as an afterthought.

"Esperanza," I realized I hadn't said my name in years. It was weird. A name that didn't belong to me. As far as _he _was concerned, I didn't have a name. I wonder if he even bothered to remember it. I also realized I didn't have a last name. I didn't know _his_ last name, and I would rather eat cow dung then put his last name on mine. Scorpius led me through the streets, nearing a huge building closer to the end of the alley. I had passed it once, reading the name to be Gringotts Wizarding Bank.

"Oi! Mum! Dad!" Scorpius yelled suddenly, pulling me sideways through the crowd, having just spotted people I had yet to meet. We ended up at the side of the building at the bottom of the marble steps, standing in front of two people. "Esperanza, these are my parents. Esperanza's parents aren't here, and she's a first year, so I told her she could shop with us," he explained the situation hurriedly to his parents.

"What a nice idea Scorp. Hello dear," Mrs. Malfoy smiled down at me. I felt somewhat overwhelmed, again. I hadn't had this much human interaction in forever. Much less with people who seemed to genuinely want to be nice to me. I managed another small smile.

"Nice to meet you," I managed to remember some shred of manners, trying not to trip over the words as I spoke them.

All three Malfoys were insanely nice to me, maybe because of how timid I obviously was. I chided myself as I thought that they might actually like me, I was unable to grasp such a concept. The whole trip through Diagon Alley was another thing entirely. Once I had help getting through it, I appreciated even more how much the newly discovered Wizarding World had to offer. It was the first time I actually had fun. Scorp and I spent probably more time then was necessary getting potions ingredients, having the urge to see everything in the apothecary.

It wasn't until he convinced me to put my hand into a barrel of beetle eyes that we finally left, with me getting my revenge by forcing him backwards into a shelf that magically flipped over as a result of being touched, dumping a container of bright yellow powder over Scorp's head. His powder covered clothing sang show tunes for and hour and a half afterwards.

The one unnerving moment of the day happened when we got wands. Scorp's wand was easy enough to find, he went through only four until a wand 'chose' him. It was a beautiful wand, maple, eleven and three-quarters inches in length, with a dragon heartstring center. I, on the other hand, had difficulty finding a wand.

"Well, this is troublesome, isn't it?" Olivander sounded more cheerful then was probably healthy, looking more and more ecstatic as I destroyed his shop with one failed wand after another. Personally, I was drained. We had saved wands for last, and I was dead on my feet from so much walking and supply carrying. I had stopped counting how many wands I had gone through, it had to be over twenty. The Malfoys behind me looked just as tired, though their interest was obviously perked.

Rummaging was apparent from the back of the shop, where the somewhat creepy man had disappeared to yet again to find another wand. I stifled a yawn, wishing I had a chair. Silence suddenly filled the room. It persisted for the next minute or so, leaving me to wonder if Olivander had had a heart attack or something from to much excitement. I caught Scorp's eye, and he shrugged, as lost as I was.

"Mr. Olivander?" Mr. Malfoy called, somewhat tentatively.

"Yes, yes, I'm coming," a distant, far away sounding voice trailed into the room. "I meant to dispose of this wand, unnerving to have it in the shop. It's worth a try though, nothing else seems to be working," Olivander appeared back in the room, holding a dark box like it was a bomb. Slowly, he pulled the lid off, his hands trembling as he picked up the wand and held it out to me. I had the absurd urge to refuse to take it. I would try every other wand, just not the one that seemed to evoke such fear.

"Go on Essie, try it," Scorp encouraged. I grasped the handle, and warmth instantly traveled through my fingers and down my arm, quickly filling my whole body. I felt warm, full, and this wand made it happen. I flourished the wand lightly, and everything that I had destroyed in the shop flew together again, even the wands repackaged themselves and flew back into place. Soon, the shop was nearly glowing with cleanliness.

"Fifteen inches, mahogany, the best for any spell work, snake fang core," Olivander recited quickly, almost like he was compelled to say it so quickly.

"Uh, can you repeat that last one?" I dared to ask, my insides tense at the thought.

"Yes, a snake fang. Taken from none other then the deceased snake of He Who Must Not Be Named,"

"Voldemort was killed years ago, as was his snake. That doesn't make sense," Mr. Malfoy instantly threw in.

"Just because both were killed, does not make that wand any less unsettling," Olivander said forcefully. "Whatever, whoever you are, you're different," he told me seriously.

"Okay," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say. My wand was packaged and we left the shop, somewhat hurried out by the obviously bothered man. I was feeling somewhat lost myself. I had no idea what any of that meant. Who was Voldemort? I voiced this question to my companions, who looked shocked at my lack of information.

"Okay, we should explain this in a safer place, without people that we could frighten all over again for no reason. Esperanza, would you like to come to our house? You could stay for dinner, if you like," Mrs. Malfoy offered. I was amazed at such an offer, it was more then I ever hoped for. Which I admit, is mildly pathetic.

"That sounds fantastic, only I have to be here at eleven," I stated the last part firmly, no way I was going to be late. This was agreed to instantly, Scorp looking ecstatic as we journeyed out of Diagon Alley. We travelled by Floo Powder, by fire, which I found insanely cool. Yea, I'm a nerd. Sue me.

Malfoy Manor was huge. Insanely huge. I could get lost just on a trip to the bathroom. Huge. The excitement of such a momentous house was shattered soon after, as I was filled in on the tale of a dark wizard, who killed countless people. It was more then I was prepared to take in, and I couldn't help the fear of my own wand that spread through me.

Scorp and I had retreated to his room, which his parents went to prepare dinner. Yes, they had people for that, but Mrs. Malfoy had had the urge to do so herself.

I ran my fingers over my wand, having a battle of mixed feelings. Sure, this wand was evil, it probably held more power then I could ever dream of. Then again, I felt whole when I held it, even just touched it. It completed me. It chose me. It was mine.

"Scorp, does this mean I'm already a dark witch?" I asked hesitantly, unable to shake the need to ask him.

"Essie, don't even suggest that! You're not dark, believe me," Scorp replied instantly. I apparently didn't look convinced, because he came and sat down next to me. "I know dark, and you're not it. My grandfather is dark, he's in Azkaban, the wizard prison. It's a horrible place, I can't imagine ever getting near it,"

"Really?"

"Yea, really,"

I wasn't sure why, but he had actually reassured me. I sighed. "Thanks," I mumbled, continuing to almost pet the wand.

Dinner was one of the best dinners I had ever had. I didn't eat much usually, I was never allowed much food as it was. I tried everything, it was all fantastic. Later, just before eleven, Mrs. Malfoy escorted me back to The Leaky Cauldron. Scorp was somewhat put out that I had to go, but he brightened at the idea of when we would leave for Hogwarts, promising to save me a seat on the train.

Mrs. Malfoy had departed once again, not without hugging me tightly, which was a foreign, yet not unwelcome feeling. I allowed myself to slip back into my robot mind, intent on being a blank until September 1st, when I would finally be gone.

Kings Cross Station. I had never been there, and I was shocked by the amount of people. I always seemed to be shocked by this, as I hadn't been with people for all those years. As promised, Scorp had a seat saved for me, and he ambushed me with a hug as I dragged by trunk down the Hogwarts Express corridor. He helped me shove it into a overhead compartment before we sat down, talking about houses. Scorp was becoming more and more aware of how much I didn't know, though he seemed happy to fill me in on every detail. When he asked why I knew nothing, I actually told him a half truth. That I had been in an orphanage. I had no idea who my parents were. That was all.

~o~

"Smith, Esperanza!" McGonagall, Hogwarts headmistress, cried out. I jumped slightly. Smith. How original. To be expected I suppose, they didn't know my last name. Ha, neither did I. I made my way up to the stool after a light, encouraging shove from Scorp. I sat down and the Sorting Hat was put on my head, slipping over my eyes.

"Ah, Smith. I agree, very lame," a soft voice whispered in my ear. "I know who you are. You're the Dark Lord's daughter. You're Esperanza Riddle,"

I fell off the stool, distantly hearing the shout of "SLYTHERIN!" come from the hat still on my head before I ripped it off from my seat on the ground, throwing it aside and leaping up, tearing from the hall.

~o~

It was Scorp who found me. I hadn't made it far, just outside the hall there was doors leading out to a balcony. I sat here, my feet dangling off the edge, my forehead against one of the panels of wood that lined the border of the balcony. I wasn't one to cry, so I had just sat there numbly.

"Essie, please, what's wrong?" he finally started pleading for me to tell him, after his failed joking attempt and serious attempt. I shook my head, unable to say the simple words.

"Mr. Malfoy, I can assist from here," a sharp female voice that I recognized as McGonagall's issued from the doorway. I felt Scorp's slight hesitation, but he quietly left my side. "Ms. Smith, would you care to tell me what just transpired? I promise you, the information could stay as private as you want it to," McGonagall assured me. It was finally the mention of Smith that made me crack. I pulled myself up, turning to face her.

"It knows who I am," I finally whispered. "It knew who I really am,"

"Which is?" McGonagall looked intensely interested.

"Riddle. My last name is Riddle," I barely said the words, they came out more as an exhale.

~o~

Surprisingly, the year went on somewhat normally. News got out that I was Voldemort's daughter, which really shook the school, but it died down fairly quickly. Hogwarts became everything to me. I loved every bit of it, everything about magic. Scorp became my best friend, we were inseparable, as he was in Slytherin too. We met other people too, and soon, we were our own tight group.

There were Sapphire and Neelam Snape, who were twins. Creepily identical twins too, it was nearly impossible to tell them apart. Except for the hair pieces. Sapphire always wore a black hairpiece, whether it was a headband, a clip, anything. Neelam always wore white in her hair. It was Neelam that always decided the difference, as they both had raven black hair.

There was Dexter Zabini, he had a somewhat brooding outside attitude, but he wasn't really.

Remi Parkinson, she was somewhat girlish, and religious about hygiene, most importantly, always having a lack of pesky germs. She could talk her way around teachers like nobody's business though, which got us out of trouble more then once.

Devon Parkinson, he was Remi's older brother by one year. He became a sort of guide, as he had already been here a year. He was hilarious, as well as a total womanizer, which the rest of us only scoffed at. He also had his own friends as well, so he wasn't with us as much.

Finally, there was Issac Nott, who was my only competition for the skinniest person in the school. He was one of those people you could sneeze on and he would fly ten feet away. He was the quietest of the group, but was a loyal friend, and good at wand work.

~o~

Alright, enough rainbows and sunshine. I repeat my first words. It happened again. More specifically, it happened at the end of that first year. Well no, it happened first at New Years.

Professor Keller had been the teacher assigned to supervise the New Years dance. It was one of the only dances the school had, and everyone went all out for it. The Great Hall was decorated to the extreme, I loved every inch of it. Sapphire and Neelam had the most vast dress collection I'd ever seen, and it was open for Remi and me to choose what we liked. Mine was black, simple, spaghetti straps, reaching just below my knees. All four of us rotated guys, each ending up dancing with Scorp, Dexter, Issac, even Devon.

It was eleven thirty when I was pulled away from my glass of punch by Professor Keller. Harmless enough, he said he wanted to speak with me outside the hall. I went. Remember, always pay attention to those stupid workshops telling you _not_ to go help the man with the 'dead' dog in the bushes. There's never a dead dog. They're not stupid workshops. Listen to them. Please. For me.

Once again, gruesome details aren't my thing. I won't scar you. It went on for what seemed like eons, on the fucking balcony which seemed to define my life turning points at that time.

I finally woke up, my head pounding. I must've passed out. I was alone, thank god. I closed my eyes briefly, frightened of moving. A tickle on my inner thigh told me that I was bleeding from the rough treatment. I slammed my fist against the ground, unable to believe this. It had happened again. I was back where I started. I pushed myself painfully into a sitting position, just as a clock somewhere became to go off loudly. It was midnight. It was New Years. My hopes of it being a better year were low. I got to my feet, stumbling slightly with lightheadedness. I didn't bother going back to the party. I went back to the dormitory, took a shower, and slept, for what I wished could be forever.

~o~

It didn't stop. Professor Keller came me detention all the time, for plain stupid stuff. I was a robot again. All my friends noticed it, all of them asked me about it. I refused to tell them anything. Scorp became more attached to my side then usual, apparently wanting to protect me from whatever was going on. He couldn't. Detention was always a repeat of what happened on the balcony. I couldn't do anything to stop a teacher either.

End of term came and I was almost happy. Away from Professor Keller. Back to _him._ I really didn't know which was worse. I sat alone at the end of term party, having convinced Scorp to go enjoy himself. I knew I was getting weird looks, but I didn't care. I raised my head when I registered a person standing in front of me. Keller.

"You're a little bitch, you know that?" he snarled quietly at me. "Sitting here, like your life is nothing. Be grateful for what you have Riddle, at least you're still alive,"

"Goodie," I mumbled.

Like I said. I'm an optimist.

"You're a whore. You deserve it,"

"And you're a rapist who is so desperate he has to stoop to an eleven year old girl. How inspiring," I deadpanned. I didn't expect his hand to slam down on the table. Touchy, are we?

"Bitch!" he nearly shouted, raising attention of most of the hall. I looked at him, surprised at his outburst. "You should be grateful, I _chose_ you. I chose you out of all the students that are so much more promising, better then you. And here you are, complaining," he all but screamed, flourishing wildly at me. The whole hall had gone silent, everyone watching Keller, horrified.

"Talk a little louder, I don't think America heard you yet," I muttered, in truth scared of what he was going to say in front of everyone.

"Fuck you Riddle. You need to learn respect, and if I have to teach it to you every night, damn it, I will," he exploded.

I cracked. I finally cracked. Everything those three years had built up, everything that had been added on by Keller, it exploded from me. In a second, I was out of my seat and had launched myself across the table. Keller backed away, actually looking the slightest bit nervous at my sudden anger.

"Don't you dare, _don't. you. dare_, talk to me about respect," I seethed. "You are a worthless scum who had probably raped every young girl who peaked your interest. But you know what? Now you've picked the wrong one. You picked the experienced one, the one who's done it all. And you don't know what to do about it. Because you're to much of a coward to admit that an eleven year old girl may have the upper hand on you,"

I was ranting.

I had also just spilled my deepest and forbidden secret to the whole school.

Don't you hate when that happens?

I do.

"You, a worthless girl, would never have the upper hand on me," Keller howled with crazed laughter, pulling his wand. I saw movement from other teachers around, but I got there first. With a lunge toward him, magic seemed to swell inside me, moving the air without my reaching for my wand at all. Keller was thrown back, colliding with the back wall. The air continued to move, causing every bit of everything that could be used as a weapon flying for him, showering him with horrible bombardment until they all finally crashed back to the ground.

It was the loudest silence I'd ever heard. Slowly, I moved to get a closer look at the crumbled body. A trickle of blood ran down his chin. A horrid realization filled me, and I tripped backwards, stumbling for something to hold onto. Scorp caught me before I could, and I couldn't do anything but wrap my arms around his neck and hide in his chest.

"Is he dead?" a faceless voice asked squeakily.

"Yes," Snape, the frosty and emotionless potions master, Sapphire and Neelam's dad, confirmed.

"No!" I managed to scream, ripping away from Scorp to...I didn't know what. I ended up pacing, pulling at my hair. "Nononononononono," I chanted, muttering while everyone seemed to watch me.

"Miss Riddle, you have nothing to worry about. It was self defense, he raped you," McGonagall assured me.

I let out a strangled cry. "No! You don't get it! Don't you know what this means? I'm no better. I'm no better then my psychopathic, evil, dark, father. I'm a murderer,"

~o~

The rest of term was a blur. Now that my secret was out, McGonagall got ahold of people. They confronted my 'father,' telling him (this is the crash course version) to find help, or dire actions would have to be taken. He obeyed. I still have to back over summers, as he is my legal guardian.

It was later that week that I made a promise to myself. I wouldn't be dark. I would do everything in my power to be good, to stay that way. I'm a murderer at eleven, so what? I lost my virginity at nine and a half, big deal.

I am Esperanza Riddle.

Murderer, rape victim, daughter of a dead psychopath, determined to be good, and has the best friends in the world.

That is my life.

Period.

Now, we fast forward. Like I said, I'm sixteen. A lot has changed since that day. My friends are as good as ever. I'm Chaser on the Slytherin Quiddich team. I'm one of the happiest people you'll ever meet. But now, the really fun stuff happens. I'm only human, I'm a sixteen year old teenage girl!

Let me start with saying one thing: Albus Potter is a prick.

**Sooooo? What did you guys think? Please (yes, I will grovel at your feet), review? Send me a little note of sunshine, that will totally make my whole day, because that's how much of a life I have... :)**


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